The seven practices of obedience, surrender, service, discipline, punishment, demeanor and mind-fucking
As most people know by now, the acronym BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance/Submission, and Sado-Masochism.
Everybody knows that bondage consists of tying people up in erotic positions and that sadomasochism is the erotization of pain, but very few people have a clear idea of what happens in Dominance/Submission (commonly abbreviated D/S). There is a vague notion that the dominant gives orders and the submissive obeys, but it is actually more complicated than that.
In this article, I explore D/S is detail in terms of seven practices things that most often are used in it.
D/S and sadomasochism often overlap and a lot of people practice them together. However, some D/S relationships do not use pain and thus have no elements of sadomasochism.
Why do people engage in D/S?
You may be puzzled as to why would anybody give away their freedom to become a submissive or, conversely, how can anybody be so full of themselves as to want to dominate others.
A lot of people practice D/S following a deep, spontaneous desire to submit or to dominate, as strong as sexual desire and often (but not always) mixed with it. Others are converted to D/S when wanting to please a lover and end up liking it.
Being a dominant or a submissive in a D/S relationship has nothing to do with behaving that way in normal life. Often, the opposite is true: people in leadership roles become submissives as a way to relieve the stress produced by having to make important decisions.
I have explored the motives behind the desire for dominance or submission in another article: The Origins of Dominance-Submission.
The ethics of D/S: safe, sane and consensual
D/S is a sharp departure from the principles that guide normal relationships, such as equality, personal autonomy, independence and respect. These values are still present in a D/S relationship but are changed by the fact that the submissive surrenders a great deal of power to the dominant, so the relationship becomes inherently unequal.
D/S relationships should be safe (no physical damage or adverse health effects), sane (no emotional damage) and consensual (all persons involved have given informed consent to all the activities). This is abbreviated as SSC.
Sanity is a particular concern in D/S because these practices can easily lapse into psychological abuse. We need to be watchful for anything that harms the self-esteem of the submissive or that creates psychological dependence.
SSC is ensured by a previous negotiation, establishing limits and the use of a safeword.
SSC establishes the boundaries between an ethical D/S relationship and abuse, which I explored in a previous article, How to Recognize Abuse in BDSM Relationships.
Dominance-submission and gender
D/S can happen in any combination of genders. However, it has unique characteristics depending on each particular combination of gender and role (dominant or submissive).
For example, Femdom (women dominating men) emphasizes the worshipping of the dominatrix, is quite strict, and often includes chastity or sexual control.
In contrast, male domination over women focus on the body of the submissive and tends to be more caring.
Gay D/S can be harsh and extreme.
Lesbian D/S can take a wide range of styles.
For the sake of simplicity, here I will refer to the dominant as a man and the submissive as a woman, occasionally explaining some differences in Femdom. Otherwise, what I say can apply to any gender assignation of the dominant and submissive roles.
Dominance-submission can be done in scenes or as ongoing relationships
There are many forms of dominance-submission: Master-slave, Daddy-little girl, brat-disciplinarian, domestic discipline, and others. For this discussion, I want to emphasize that there are two levels of commitment or time arrangements in D/S.
In the first, D/S is done for a limited time, usually a few hours, in what is called a ‘scene’. This theatrical name is apt because this is a sort of pretend game in which the participants take on the roles of dominant and submissive temporarily to weave a common fantasy. They may not be in a relationship but meet casually to play. There are people (called ‘switches’) who are dominants in some scenes and submissives in others.
In the second, called 24/7, D/S is ongoing and may be an essential part of a relationship. Some people who practice D/S this way object to their D/S being called a game. For them, it is real. They feel that being a dominant or a submissive is an essential part of who they are. These relationships usually develop slowly over long periods of time.
There also can be in-between arrangements in which a couple has established roles as dominant and submissive, but only adopt them in certain situations, like when having sex.
I have experience in both types of D/S interactions. None is better than the other. However, I would advise any newbies to experiment with D/S in scenes before entering an ongoing D/S arrangement.
1 - Obedience
Obedience is, obviously, following the orders of the dominant.
In D/S scenes, the orders usually consist of submitting to a sexual act, but they may also be about something trivial (“make me coffee”) or about a particular fetish (“clean my shoes”). Some opportunists see this as a chance to get “free blow-jobs” or having sex without having to satisfy their partner. These posers are quickly exposed because an experienced dominant works hard to create a situation in which the submissive finds satisfaction in obeying. Giving orders is an art. The dominant has to work inside the fantasy of the submissive and never break her limits. If the submissives find that they cannot follow an order, must argue against it, or use their safeword, their trust in the dominant will be undermined.
In 24/7 D/S relationships, obedience is more complicated. Here the orders are not just about sex. In domestic discipline, the dominant enforces rules about how to do chores and keep the house in order. Daddies treat their adult submissives like little girls that have to eat their vegetables, do their homework and have a bedtime.
A good dominant chooses carefully which orders to give, taking into account the needs of the submissives, their limits, and the nature of the relationship. A good strategy is to delimit an area of the submissive’s life that will be under the control of the dominant; the most obvious being their sexuality. It is generally a bad idea to try to control the professional life or the relationships of the submissive. It is not ethical to bring into the D/S dynamic third persons who have not consented to participate in it, so it is problematic to order a submissive to treat their friends and family in unusual ways.
2 - Surrender
Surrender goes beyond mere obedience. In it, submissives expose themselves physically and mentally to the dominant. A lot of people come to D/S following their fantasies of sexual surrender.
In a D/S scene, dominants treat the submissives as their sexual plaything, touching them however they please, placing them in embarrassing positions, and fucking them in full control. Male dominants control the orgasms of their female submissives, who need to ask permission to cum. The submissive is made aware of the difference between making love and being fucked, and prefers the latter. In Femdom, the submissive is often made to pleasure the dominatrix without cumming, and can only touch her with her permission.
In 24/7 relationships, the sexual surrender becomes more extensive. A common agreement is that the submissive must be sexually available to the dominant at all times. Women are made to wear dresses or skirts without panties to make them aware of their accessibility. In Femdom, men are deprived of masturbation, sometimes by locking their penises in cages, so that they can produce an erection of demand.
But surrender goes beyond the realm of the physical: submissives gradually reveal their secret fantasies, fears and desires to the dominant, deepening the intimacy and vulnerability of their submission. Here, the dominants must tread carefully and not judge the submissives when they open up to them. Shame and guilt are powerful emotions that can damage the self-esteem. If submissives make themselves vulnerable and then feel that their confidences are being used against them, they will withdraw and put up barriers.
3 - Service
Service is the active counterpart to obedience. The submissives work to please and satisfy the desires of the dominants by spontaneously doing things for them. It goes beyond obedience: the submissive needs to anticipate the desires of the dominant.
On their part, the dominants must be mindful not to inhibit the creativity of submissives by being over-controlling. In some cases, the submissive would need to ask permission before performing the service or should meekly suggest it.
Having a submissive well trained in service allows the dominant to relax and enjoy the D/S relationship without having to be continuously alert to decide what to do next.
4 - Discipline
Discipline consists of activities used by the dominants to assert their control over the body and the mind of the submissive.
In a scene, D/S is often combined with sadomasochism to give the submissives pain and pleasure until they become pliable. Both pain and pleasure impose themselves on consciousness, forcing us to pay attention, so they provide a gateway to the mind of the submissive. If pain is out of the picture, the dominant can order the submissives to disrobe and adopt some exposed positions to get them into the right frame of mind.
In 24/7 relationships, discipline is the training by which the submissive becomes more accomplished at surrendering and servicing the dominant. Dominants may give submissives a series of tasks and exercises to do. These can include, for example, sexual exercises like timed masturbation, Kegel pulls or wearing a butt-plug. Non-sexual discipline may include physical exercise, reading assignments, bedtime and wake-up time, diet modifications, writing a diary, etc.
For male submissives, chastity and sexual control are widely practiced forms of discipline.
Although some discipline exercises can be unpleasant, they are not done for punishment but to help develop a submissive frame of mind and attitude.
5 - Punishment
Punishment is a controversial part of D/S. While some reject it, it is a key activity in brat-disciplinarian, domestic discipline, and other forms of D/S.
A lot of people have what I call a “punishment fetish”: they find the idea of being punished or punishing others deeply erotic. However, this applies to an infantilized view of punishment as spankings and other forms of physical punishment, and not to the long jail time that our society uses to deter crime. In any case, since D/S is based on obedience, service and discipline, there should be consequences if the submissive disobeys or does not perform as expected.
The problem is that, if submissives enjoy the mere idea of being punished, how can punishment be used to effectively correct their behavior? Wouldn’t they misbehave so that they can enjoy their punishment?
Well, it is more complicated than that. People with a punishment fetish enjoys the whole process, not just the spanking (or whatever the punishment is): having to recognize that they have done something wrong, the humiliation of suffering a punishment, the forgiveness after the punishment, and their commitment to not misbehave again. All this is done with utmost sincerity and involves a big emotional turmoil.
The punishment fetish may come from the release from guilt and shame. By delegating the punishment to the dominant, submissives frees themselves from psychological self-punishment. Then, paradoxically, the chastisement is experienced as relief. To help with this, the meaning of punishment has to be carefully explored, emphasizing its healing value as catharsis and atonement. Submissives should be explicitly prohibited from punishing themselves.
It is also important that the punishment ends with aftercare, in which the forgiveness of the dominant encourages self-forgiveness. The submissive has accepted her weaknesses, witnessed the power of the dominant, and hopefully has become a stronger person and a better submissive.
6 - Demeanor
Demeanor is the way in which submissives dress, carries themselves and behave in order to express a submissive attitude.
If you see a couple when they are in-role as dominant and submissive, you will notice a peculiar vibe. In a BDSM party, the dominant may be attired in leather with metal studs or a power suit, while the submissive may be partially or fully naked, wearing cuffs and anklets or erotic clothes like stockings, garter belts or lace bras and panties.
One of the most powerful signs to convey submission is the collar, which often is made of leather and resembles a dog collar. It can also be made of metal or even be a jewelry piece.
Certain types of D/S relationships, like domestic discipline, reject fetish clothing, but you can tell their roles by the way they talk and move: the submissive will be serving, while the dominant gives orders in a way that would normally be considered rude.
Not all submissives have the same demeanor; each one expresses in a different way what submission means to them. Some submissives are meek and subservient, looking down, walking behind the dominant, and speaking only when asked. Other submissives may be bratty, proudly lifting their chin, challenging the dominant, and freely speaking their mind.
The appropriate demeanor emerges from the personality of the submissive and is polished through training to produce a poise that conveys the depth and beauty of the D/S relationship.
Different demeanors are equally valid. They simply represent different styles of surrender, service and discipline.
7 - Mind-fucking
Mind-fucking is the most difficult element of D/S. It consists of mind games that dominants play with submissives to weave a collective fantasy and bring them to a state of defeat and surrender.
It may be as simple as teasing the submissive about their desires. It may also consist of pretend anger. Genuine anger is an emotion that is difficult to control, so the dominant should not engage in a D/S interaction while he is angry.
Other instances of mind-fucking involve some elaborate mind games that are the culmination of the six other D/S activities. They require superb creativity on the part of the dominant. However, without the willful collaboration of the submissive, the process would fail.
Mind-fucking is not so much something that the dominant does to the submissive as something that they create together. No matter how skillful the dominant, it is impossible for him to mind-fuck submissives if they don’t surrender or if they lack the discipline to cooperate.
Here are some examples of mind-fucking:
Attention games: Doing something that requires skill and concentration, like serving tea following a precise ritual. The submissives will earn praise if they succeed or be chastised if they fail.
Impossible tasks: Similar to the attention game, but the task is so difficult that the submissive is doomed to failure. Alternatively, there is a particular twist that they don’t know that would make them fail. Submission is demonstrated by attempting the task even when knowing it is impossible and by accepting failure with grace.
Embarrassing tasks: Doing something that requires overcoming shame or shyness.
Predicament: the submissive has to choose between two punishments or two unpleasant disciplines. Sometimes there is a trick and one of the choices is better than the other. Or the choice that appears to be the better one turns out to be the worse.
Trust games: The submissive is asked to do something scary or embarrassing that requires the dominant to protect her.
Pretend danger: Submissives are put in a situation that makes them feel vulnerable, but they are not in real danger because the dominant is controlling the situation.
There are no recipes for mind-fucking. It needs to be tailored to the personality of the submissives. A good strategy is to find their points of resistance, their inner conflicts, and making them face them.
Needless to say, a great deal of caution and skill are necessary. Dominants need to give the submissives their full attention, focusing completely on reading their reactions. If successful, this can produce a spark of self-discovery, even self-transformation.
The reward: sub-space
Submission is a path that starts with a vague desire to surrender. At its end, there is a jewel that satisfies this desire: a coveted mental state called “sub-space”. There are altered states of consciousness that receive that name. Some of these arise in response to pain during sadomasochistic activities.
Properly speaking, sub-space is the one attained by submitting. It is a state of bliss, devotion and profound emotional connection with the dominant. It is normally attained after a good scene, but it can also become the background of a satisfying D/S relationship.
Like with many other things in life, what matters is the journey and not the destination.
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